


The Losses I Faced

by Navai147



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Canon Divergence - Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008), Dark Anakin Skywalker, Depressed Obi-Wan Kenobi, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan loses it all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:47:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29487000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Navai147/pseuds/Navai147
Summary: "Obi-Wan Kenobi's whole life was defined by losses. He had always become attached to people and ideals, and then lost them years or decades down the line once he had taken their existences for granted." AU from Star Wars the Clone Wars Season 4 Episode 4, "Shadow Warrior".
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze
Kudos: 11





	The Losses I Faced

_**The Losses I Faced - The Story of Obi-Wan** _ **Kenobi**

* * *

Obi-Wan Kenobi's whole life was defined by losses. He had always become attached to people and ideals, and then lost them years or decades down the line once he had taken their existences for granted. For a Jedi, this was unique in a disappointing way, as he was not meant to become attached to any being or thing, however he did, and he felt loss many times because of it.

His first loss was perhaps when he was taken to become a Jedi at a very young age. He was most likely taken out of his parents' hands as a baby either by Republic Law Enforcement or the Jedi themselves, most likely the former as his homeworld, Stewjon, was a small, no-name planet belonging to the Republic in the Mid-Rim.

That day, so long-ago which Obi-Wan did not remember, nor had any emotion for, he had lost his family, his parents and any siblings the man might have had, and a chance at a normal civilian life, whatever that might have entailed for the now-Jedi Master. He had no attachment or feelings towards his birth family, but it was a loss, nonetheless.

* * *

For the next twenty-three years, Obi-Wan had been raised as a Jedi, taken as a Padawan at age 13 by Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn, completed many missions with him, and met someone who would become very important to him, Satine Kryze, who became the Duchess of Mandalore after the end of the Mandalorian Civil War, the duration of which Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan spent protecting the Duchess from more traditional, war-oriented Mandalorians. He had fallen in love with her, but for the sake of his Jedi commitments and her duties to Mandalore, they decided not to pursue anything with each other.

He didn't face another major loss until the end of his Padawanship under Master Jinn, whom he had become close to after ten years under his tutelage. It had been at the fateful Battle of Naboo, at the bowels of Theed Palace, where Obi-Wan and his Master were duelling the first Sith Lord to show his face in a millennium, Darth Maul. He had been a worthy adversary, who, in front of the Padawan rendered useless by a shield wall which activated itself at intervals, stabbed his Jedi Master and teacher.

It had been Obi-Wan's second – and perhaps most damaging loss – the death of Qui-Gon Jinn. The Padawan had then duelled Maul, and ( _in a way he shouldn't have_ ), used his grief to fuel himself, flailing his lightsaber in the swift, athletic motions of Form IV, until he had sliced off the resurgent Sith Lord's legs.

That day he had lost the man who had been like the father he never had. Obi-Wan felt empty that day. He felt like a puppet whose strings had been cut off, losing the supports that let him live. The Padawan, then Knighted, had lost the support his Master had been giving, and he stumbled because of it, becoming stuck in a feedback loop of grief for a few days before he distracted himself his other duties in life. Though he would manage to rebuild himself to become a pillar, the loss of his Master would never truly leave him.

Obi-Wan would later realise he wasn't the only one badly affected by this loss. Far from it.

* * *

For the next ten years, he started to train a boy who Qui-Gon wanted trained, Anakin Skywalker, whom he had found in the backwater planet of Tatooine, who had the highest amount of force potential in all Galactic History and Qui-Gon had said was the prophesied "Chosen One". Throughout the years they were together, Obi-Wan came to see Anakin as a brother, and Anakin to him. They were inseparable, and Obi-Wan admittedly became attached to Anakin, in a way the Jedi Council would have forbid him had they known. They had probably suspected, Obi-Wan supposed. He knew that Anakin had been attached to him too, which the Council held against him, unfortunately.

Then came the War. The Clone War. The first major galactic conflict in a millennium. Obi-Wan Kenobi, as a Jedi Master, having trained Anakin Skywalker to knighthood, was forced to join the conflict as a Jedi General. Not to say it wasn't wholly negative, sure, he was forced to face situations no man should have, seeing the deaths of compatriots given to him and losing _fellow Jedi_ , however, he did meet the Clones, quite a few of whom would become good friends with him, and he met and became close to Ahsoka Tano, a Padawan given to Anakin Skywalker a mere two weeks after he had been Knighted. He had become enamoured with the young girl.

Two years into the war, his next loss came.

It wasn't a death, per say, not like the other ones, but it was a loss, nonetheless. While assisting Naboo Senator Padmé Amidala on defusing political tensions between Gungans and the Nabooan Humans and trying to prevent a rumoured Separatist invasion on the planet, Anakin Skywalker had been captured by Count Dooku and taken to Serenno, the Count's home planet and one of the founding planets of the Separatist Movement against the Galactic Republic. Obi-Wan had no idea what Dooku did to him, however, Anakin came back three weeks later, quite a bit after Obi-Wan had finished a mission involving faking his own death, which the younger man would have been instrumental to had he not been imprisoned at the time. He claimed he had escaped the Count's clutches. After all that, their relationship had started to _change_.

Before, Obi-Wan had loved Anakin like a brother and vice versa. Anakin would have happily greeted Obi-Wan, cracked some jokes, offering an exaggerated story of his escape from Dooku's clutches from Serenno, and then going to Dex's to have fun with his brother and former Master. However, _none_ of that happened.

Anakin had _walked past_ Obi-Wan at first, and they next met at the Jedi Council Chambers, Obi-Wan sitting on one of the Council Chairs as given by his position, and Anakin standing at the centre giving a report on how Dooku tortured him with Force Lightning, among other things, and then managing to escape his clutches when there was a guard shift switch in the evening, taking a Separatist ship to flee to Coruscant. Then, he had walked away, not even looking at Obi-Wan, and continued on with his life.

Obi-Wan had asked him what was wrong, and the conversation went something like this:

_"Anakin, what's wrong? You're acting… strange."_

_"Strange… how?"_

_"You're not talking to me. You pretend I don't exist. What's wrong, Anakin? You can tell me."_

_He had shifted between his legs, wearing a frown on his face as he walked away from the table where he had been pouring himself some caf, to the doorway of the kitchenette. Something told Obi-Wan not to follow as Anakin leaned his body on one edge of the frame._

_"It's nothing, Master," it was all said with a neutral, almost-lifeless tone, "I'm alright. Nothing to worry about."_

_"Alright then, Anakin," Obi-Wan had replied, not wanting to get into an argument with his former Padawan if he dug too deep, "But remember, you can tell me anything. I'm your friend, Anakin."_

_There was a short pause, and Obi-Wan worried if he said something wrong, before Anakin's scowl turned into a small smile, and he said, "I know, Master."_

Anakin had walked away and Obi-Wan had been contented with Anakin's reply, however, later, the Jedi Master realised he really should have put more effort, been more open with Anakin, helped him sort out his issues, because later, Obi-Wan lost his brother, who slowly distanced himself away from him, right under the Master's nose. Later, he realised he lost Anakin the day he was captured by Dooku and taken to a stronghold, and he would never get his brother back.

* * *

His next major loss came shortly after, mere months later. Darth Maul, who had apparently survived his maiming by Obi-Wan, took over Mandalore with the assistance of the splinter group Death Watch, who sought to restore Mandalore back to its warrior past. They had succeeded, dethroning the Duchess Satine Kryze, and imprisoning her. Obi-Wan had come to Mandalore to save her, the woman he loved, however, that failed. They were captured by soldiers for Death Watch, who had taken them to Maul, who had apparently become their new leader somehow.

The Sith Lord stabbed Satine, taking her life the same way he had taken Qui-Gon Jinn's. She had tumbled to the floor and died in Obi-Wan's arms. He still remembered her last words…

_"Remember, my dear Obi-Wan," lifting her hand to caress his cheek, a touch he soaked into, "I loved you always… I always will."_

The grief he felt then had been unrivalled, except by Qui-Gon Jinn's death. He probably knew at that moment how a certain someone else felt many years later when someone they deeply loved died. He felt the pain from the core of his being. His heart shattered into many pieces, and the area within his chest felt empty. He felt anger, towards Maul, for taking two people he had loved. His father, and his love. He had taken them both, and at that time, despite being a Jedi not meant to hate, not meant to be attached as he had been to Satine, he had _hated_ the former Sith Lord, a hate that would stay for many years until Obi-Wan finally learnt to _let go_ , like a true Jedi. Even beforehand, he had done _nothing_ with that hate, like a true Jedi.

* * *

Quickly after, in a few weeks, came the loss of Ahsoka Tano. She had been suspected of manipulating civilian Letta Turmond to feed her husband, a worker in the Jedi Temple, nanobombs that would explode within the Temple. She was also suspected of killing Turmond herself, Clones and many Jedi in both the bomb attack and her subsequent escape from the Law as she tried to prove her innocence. In reality, she had done none of the killings. It was later found that Ahsoka was, in fact, innocent, and it had been her friend, Barriss Offee, who committed the attacks, having become disillusioned with the Jedi, leading her to plot the attack and being the perpetrator of its consequences. Although the young girl had been innocent, Obi-Wan was guilty to admit that he had been complicit in her persecution, a move which angered both Anakin and Ahsoka.

It angered and affected the latter to the point when proposed to re-join the Jedi Order after her expulsion made in order to hand her to military courts to be trialled, she rejected, permanently leaving the Jedi Order. Anakin had run after her as she left, however Obi-Wan was held back by fellow Master Plo Koon, and he did _nothing_ , something regretted for the rest of his life.

With that, he lost his brother's Padawan, a girl he had become enamoured towards, and could potentially see as a little sister of sorts.

This loss felt as bad as the others, even though Ahsoka hadn't died. The predominant emotion here was guilt, that he hadn't done more to prove Ahsoka's innocence, that he had expelled her from the Jedi Order based on a few videos and sentences given from a simple Admiral, and affirmed that Ahsoka Tano was guilty when she was not, leading to her decision to leave them.

* * *

Then, he lost Anakin Skywalker, this time for real.

After that small conversation, they did do missions together, and talked occasionally, but it had been _strained_. They started to barely exchange words, and Anakin oftentimes ignored his former Master, not talking to him for any reason other than small-talk or exchanging battle strategies. However, after Ahsoka left, they had stopped talking entirely, until Anakin made a decision two days later, coming to the Council Chamber to act upon it.

_"The way you all treated my former Padawan was reprehensible," his former Padawan had growled, "and I will not have it.", he had paused there for a few seconds, before declaring, "I am leaving the Jedi Order, and I relinquish my title of Jedi Knight, and my lightsaber."_

_Then, the former Jedi Knight threw his lightsaber to the floor. It bounced once, rolled, and landed at the direct centre of the room. Then, he walked away, not acknowledging the stunned faces of the councilmembers. A few seconds passed, and just like Anakin had done with Ahsoka, Obi-Wan_ _**ran** _ _, calling for Anakin as he approached the exit of the Jedi Temple._

_Anakin stopped and turned, behind the first step away from the Temple that had housed him for nearly thirteen years. The young man had a tired, depressed expression, and his eyes looked broken, yet defensive at the same time._

_"Anakin, please, what are you doing?", Obi-Wan had cried._

_"I am leaving the Jedi Order, Obi-Wan. I cannot handle this any longer."_

_"Why? The Jedi Order is your_ _**life** _ _, Anakin," the Jedi Master panted, looking for the right words to say, "Ahsoka made her decision, you can't leave just because-"_

_"Because what?", Anakin retorted, raising his arms in an expression of anger, "Because you condemned a young girl under your care before she was actually proven guilty? Because the Jedi Order has done a million things that I don't want to talk about, which they deserve to be spat on over?", the former Knight breathed before continuing, "The Jedi Order isn't my life, Obi-Wan, it's yours. You've been here since you were born. I was moved from Tatooine at the age of nine, forced to call you 'Master' instead of some Toydarian junk dealer. Ahsoka made her decision, and I'm making mine. I have more reasons to leave the Order than just her."_

_Obi-Wan just stood there, shocked at Anakin's admission. He had not expected this kind of a retort. Hells, he had not expected Anakin to actually leave the Order! He stood there silently with his mouth open for a few seconds before turning his expression neutral, but kind, taking in a breath before speaking, "Is there any way I can't change your mind?", his stance was neutral, but his eyes_ _**begged** _ _._

_"No. There isn't." Anakin flatly said, before turning and walking away from his former Master. Obi-Wan felt scant traces of_ _**hatred** _ _, however, he had ignored that._

This wasn't as emotional of a loss as the others. He didn't cry. He didn't outwardly show any emotion. There were traces of sadness and guilt, but most of all, he felt _empty_. Perhaps this was because of how strained his friendship had become with Anakin, or maybe because it was then he realised that perhaps Anakin was lost since that time he had been captured by Dooku on Naboo. Either way, this was not such an emotional loss as it was a milestone one in Obi-Wan's life.

Just a few days after, a mysterious figure joined the Separatist military ranks, a Sith Lord named Darth Vader, who wore dark armour and a helmet to conceal his identity. No-one was sure of his species, just that he was brutal, extremely tactical, a master duellist, and an amazing starpilot.

* * *

Obi-Wan faced his greatest loss eight months after Ahsoka and Anakin both left the Jedi Order. A joint force led by Count Dooku and General Grievous invaded Coruscant, the capital of the Republic. Obi-Wan had been fighting on Yerbana before being called up to his ship because _apparently_ Ahsoka Tano and a group of defected Death Watch members located Darth Maul in Mandalore, and a window of opportunity to get to him and retake the planet. Obi-Wan, being the good Jedi and not seeking revenge, and promised to contact the Council to launch a Republic invasion of Mandalore, much to the objection of Ahsoka and the leader of these Mandalorians, Bo-Katan Kryze, Satine's sister, however he was side-tracked by the alarm of the Separatist droid armies marching upon the Senate Building.

Ahsoka had heavily objected to this also, arguing that Obi-Wan had been prioritising _politics_ over saving the lives of actual peoples, and that the Jedi were at the beck-and-call of the Chancellor, rather than the people of the Republic. After a short staring match, Ahsoka said they were going to get _better_ sources of help after Obi-Wan had so clearly refused them.

That was the last time he and Ahsoka ever talked one-on-one. Later, Obi-Wan heard that droid armies and a unit under Vader, aptly called _Vader's Fist_ , had taken over Mandalore and arrested Maul with Ahsoka's assistance, however, that was not the loss. The loss was something _far greater_.

With the assistance of endless waves of droid armies, Darth Vader sacked the Jedi Temple, killing everyone within. Alongside that, all of the Jedi's Clones betrayed them, gunning down everyone they could. Most of the Jedi on Coruscant, and all across the Galaxy, died within a single day. Masters Mace Windu, Kit Fisto, Agen Kolar, Shaak Ti, and Plo Koon were among the dead. Most of the Jedi were participating in the Battle of Coruscant when they died.

The same day, with Darth Vader and General Grievous at his sides, he announced that Count Dooku was dead, and the remnants of the Separatists agreed to peace with the Republic, both governments to remerge under the banner of the new _Galactic Empire_ , ruled under the new Emperor Palpatine, with Darth Vader as the Commander of the Imperial Navy, and General Grievous, to be part of the Empire as part of the peace treaty that ended the Clone War, as the Commander of the Imperial Army.

Obi-Wan fled into exile with Master Yoda. The Jedi Grand Master had attempted to wrest control from Palpatine a while after he declared his new Empire and dismissed the Senate, however, the man had apparently been a _Sith Lord_ , who Master Yoda lost to. He fled to an unidentified planet, while Obi-Wan fled to Tatooine, in memory of his former brother, the Jedi he had loved most while the Order had existed. The Jedi Master didn't think anyone would suspect he was on the planet.

That day, he lost the Republic he had lived under since birth, the Order and _family_ he had grown attached to, and the Clones he had befriended, who all betrayed him for reasons he could not comprehend. He had lost everything that defined his life.

* * *

Another war came, this time under Darth Vader, who was apparently _Anakin Skywalker_ turned to the Dark Side, who rebelled against the Empire vying the position of Emperor himself. Anakin won that war, killing Emperor Palpatine, while Ahsoka, who aligned herself with Anakin, killed General Grievous. Obi-Wan had been involved in the conflict after Anakin had requested (read: _forced_ ) him to join after locating him. They took over the Galactic Empire, with Anakin taking the mantle "Emperor Skywalker", or "Emperor Vader" to some. Anakin's former Admiral Yularen became the Commander of the Imperial Navy, while Anakin's former Captain, Rex, who had apparently been the _Commander of Vader's Fist_ , took on Grievous's former position as Commander of the Imperial Army.

In Anakin's Empire, the laws Palpatine made to persecute the Jedi Order were overturned. Being a Jedi was decriminalised, and several Jedi flocked to the Jedi Temple in effort of creating a new Jedi Order, based on the old one, inside the old Jedi Temple, which Anakin opened to any Jedi wanting to return to it. Yoda and Emperor Skywalker had shaken hands as equals, as the Jedi Order was re-established. They had gotten back a government that didn't persecute the Jedi, at least.

Twenty-five years after the re-establishment of the Order, thirty after the end of the Clone War, Yoda died of old age at 911 years, slightly above the average lifespan of his species. Obi-Wan took over the mantle of Grand Master, being the most experienced Jedi in the Temple after Yoda. That day, the Jedi had lost a figure that had led them through numerous events since he had become Grand Master 750 years before. They all lost the man that had taught them all the Jedi Ways, another loss for Obi-Wan himself.

He succeeded Yoda as Grandmaster, the highest position possible within the Jedi Order, however, the position felt… empty. His life was filled with the losses of those he considered close, and his continuing duties in spite of that. Obi-Wan came to be known as one of the most meticulous Grand Masters in history, as he continued his duties, training numerous Padawans and nurturing the Jedi Order. He even overturned the attachments rule in honour of those he had loved throughout his life. Emperor Skywalker had approved this move, knowing his own struggles with attachment while in the Order himself. Overall, they had cordial interactions after Palpatine's death, however, their relationship never reached the levels it had been before the Clone Wars. Anakin wouldn't let that happen.

Near the end of his own life, several years later, Obi-Wan could only lament the fact that he had reached the highest position he ever could, he had become the strongest, most powerful, and wisest Jedi in the Galaxy, however, he would never personally feel complete because it had come with many losses that had occurred throughout his life. Oh, how he wished those losses never happened.

If only he could have all those he loved, Qui-Gon, Satine, his Clone Unit, Anakin as a brother, and Ahsoka, all with him, but no, they all either died, or hated him.

So happens when you're Obi-Wan Kenobi.

* * *

**A/N: This one-shot's in the same universe as a fanfiction I plan to write after I finish _The Grand Rebellion_ , my multi-chapter fanfic. The greater story for this one will be an AU where Dooku decides, after capturing Anakin in The Clone Wars Season 4 Episode 4, "Shadow Warrior", to turn him to the Dark Side along with his Master rather than using him as a torture-ragdoll and a bargaining chip to get Grievous back. But that story will come out after I finish my current one.**


End file.
